Zombie Baby Dolls -- Lockdown in the UV

My gf and I love this place down the street called Felony Franks (229 Western Ave). It's a themed-restaurant that the owner, Jim Andrews, created to give criminals who've served their time a second chance at becoming productive members of society. Say what you will, but having a few ex-cons in the family, I know how hard it is for them to get a second chance. If you can't/aren't given the chance to make money the legitimate way, all signs point to a return to crime. Hey, we need money to live and survival is an "any means necessary" type deal. At least this guy is giving them an alternative.

The theme stretches to the menu, naturally, where items have such titles as the Misdemeanor Wiener and Freedom Fries. Cute, right? This chain has met with a lot of controversy over the years since some Chicagoans don't want ex-cons serving them food and others think that the name demeans the employees. What REALLY rubs them the wrong way may have more to do with how you order than what you order. Servers stand behind bulletproof plastic -- standard for stores in the neighborhood, although increasingly not ... which is curious but I digress -- and ask customers, "Are you ready to plead your case?" Then you say what you want. "Yes. Chain Gang Chili Dog, please." Look, I really don't fucking care if you want the Pardon Polish or Probation Burgers. The shit is goooood and I think it's great to employ the "unemployable." Would I like it better if it were a vegetarian spot promoting health and wellness? Shit yeah. But 'tis what 'tis. So, if the employees are like, "Right on, I'm making legit money and showing that I paid my debt to society" then so be it.

That's why I wonder what the reception will be for Lockdown (1024 N. Western Ave), Chicago's first (and, so far, only) heavy metal/prison-themed burger bar, that's about to open next week in Ukrainian Village. Fuck a little hot dog dressed in stripes, this place boasted skulls on the walls and zombie baby dolls reaching through faux prison bars. I don't think they'll employ ex-cons but it would be a nice touch, honestly. Like FF, Lockdown's menu items include burgers with names like The Electric Chair, served blackened to a crisp and the arugula-crowned Punk Bitch. You know I can't WAIT to order one of those!! "Gimme a punk bitch and a belt of Jack." Imagine saying that to someone who killed a man with his bare hands. Ooooh yeah.

My money drought won't know what hit it next month.

More deals -- but the tightest stripper pole area and ...

Ok, so there's this bar/restaurant called Cobra Lounge (235 North Ashland Avenue) that my friend Julie and I had the pleeeeasure of doing a drink-by when her friend Michelle was in town. Michelle is a tall, beautiful, rowdy-as-fuck blond, who loves to fight and is confrontational as hell ... which basically sounds like a great time, right? Well, for the most part, 'tis. Unfortunately, we reached the Cobra right before it closed after drinking and going skiing down a really not so pristine hill. (Mkay?!)

We go in there and it's dark and kinda biker-ish and there's this pole up some steep-ass stairs that I really wanted to play on, but it was surrounded by a metal bar that was basically the size of a hoola hoop! So no trix were to be had. I imagine some stick-thin girl simply gyrating up there with not much else going on. I'm sorry, but ... I'm from the hood where we have real ATHLETES who dance with poles and if I EVER saw them just gyrating, I would whip coins at their heads.

Ahem! Excuse me. Anyway, Julie can tell this story better than I can, but long story Rashida-style, I ended up having to wrap my arm around Michelle's waist to drag her away from this woman who thought she was tough next to this this blond, but who didn't realize that Michelle has more macho than a Village person and the quick reflexes of a professional kickboxer! (She spits too.) I mean, could I absolutely fall in love with this girl or what? Love me some crazies!!

Needless to say, we didn't get into a fight that night ... but that scared bitch who thought she was tough until Michelle puffed up her chest and challenged her started inching towards the door, maybe to call her posse or whatever the fuck, so I knew it was time to bounce. I like a good fight, but not there and not then.

All in all, I might have to go back to try out some of their specials. Guaranteed they won't remember me ... or maybe they will. Not sure if any other people of color go there. Hmmmm ... if I recall, they had Ice Cube on the juke so maybe they're a tolerant crowd. :D

Here's a reason to try: $5 Patron on Monday, $3 Makers on Tuesday, $3 Jameson on Wednesday as well as buy one get one free Mac & Cheese, $5 veggie burger/hummus/turkey burger on Thursday with same $4 Patron shots/$3 Jameson and Friday Saturday, $5 You call it - Stoli, Patron, Jameson.

How you like DEM cookies??

Planning for the future -- Specials Agent to the rescue

So I found this great website (okay, I didn't find it so much as it came to me in another email BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT) called Specials Agent which basically lists all the stuff that's discounted at bars and restaurants around town. GREAT resource!

I discovered that Betty's Blue Star Lounge (1600 W. Grand -- open til 4am) has $2 Makers/$2 Red Stripe/$2 Heineys every Tuesday, $2 well cocktails/$2 PBR every Wednesday and $3 Skyy cocktails every Sunday and Thursday. Ka-Khing, right?

That's only to be topped by Cleos (1935 W. Chicago) offering $0.10 wings every Monday, $5 Italian beef w/fries every Wednesday, $4 12-inch pizzas every Thursday, and FREE All you can eat buffet Saturday nights from 11pm-1am!! I have 1/2 a mind to call to see if that's a typo because it seems so ridiculous and it makes me really skeptical about what they're giving away for free. Then again, do you really care about what you put in your drunk face on a Saturday night? Fuck no! Long as it doesn't need a doctor's note to get rid of.

There were some other places that were close by, but none within my jurisdiction. I did find out that Mr. Brown's Lounge, the hot new Jamaican joint in the UV, is closed Mondays. Good to know. Also, there's a new snack shop (no, not the name of a strip club, thank you very much) called Nuts 2 U (again, no) that specializes in Eastern European treats as well as dried fruits and other assorted goodies to eat. ;-)

Thanks Specials Agent. I'll be sure to check out these spots next month when my bank account re-ups.

Das Boot

Well kids, my car was booted this morning, which means I'm going to have to come up with a shit ton of money to get it off (I really would just love to leave it on there! Screw you, Chicago!!), which means that I won't have the means to go on my little excursions around the hood this month.

If anyone wants to take a girl out, that would be oh-so-nice. Otherwise, see ya back here next month. XO

The Couch -- Western & Grand

So, still vibing off the high I felt from starting this kicky new blog, I decided to drive around the perimeter of my new haunt to get a feel for the businesses and see what was doin. I was also hungry as hell. While driving around, I saw that some gallery is having a pottery class tonight and tomorrow. Score. Also, there are a bunch of other shops that I never saw before like florists and clothing stores. Man, I was really in my own bubble!

So I stopped at this spot on a dark corner of Western and Grand called The Couch (see pic from outside my car window). I walked into the little bar & grill and was greeted by a really jovial guy seated at the bar. I said my hellos and proceeded to the back part of the bar, away from the door, closer to the kitchen and nearer to the girl at the other end (comfort zone). I took my seat directly in front of the bar with a huge gator stretched across it (see photo bottom). The walls are adorned with black & white framed photos of oldies like the Rat Pack and some Italian boxers. Sinatra too.

There was freshly popped corn on the counters (butter flavor oil). I looked around to find out if this place was called The Couch because they had one. It is not. There are long wooden benches with tables and chairs along the wall. It would be a dive if ... meh, it's a dive. But one with an espresso/cappuccino machine! LA DI DA! They have Karaoke every Saturday night, $0.25 wing night every Wednesday (a $0.15 raise since last year AND they charge for dips--blue cheese, ranch--and extra buck!) and 1/2 price burgers on Saturdays. Or was that 1/2lb discount burgers? I dunno. The bartender said "Angus" like she had a love affair with it but it hadn't called her in three days.

They had $2.50 domestic beers this night, Monday, the slowest. I ordered a Sam Adams ($2.50), an Italian beef ($5.50) with hot peppers on the side ($0.50) and a shot of Jack Daniels to take the cold outta my bones ($4.00). The bartender was nice--she told me that the place had been open for 6 years and that she just started working there last month. It was her friend who was seated at the end of the bar. They had a discussion about the waitress's Italian Dad saying "Marmalade" and her saying "No Dad. Jelly." Soon as I laughed, my meal was brought out by the happy guy seated at the front bar! The fries were hot and crisp. The beef was piled high, hot and served with au jus...which wasn't the greatest (meaning I didn't want to drink it straight). Some college football game was on as well as kickass rock music (the Juke box has everything from Pearl Jam to Pink), but I still overheard the bartender say "He's such a Guido!" This is what 'Jersey Shore' is doing to America.

I ate half my sandwich and some fries, but there was a lot, so I took it home to my gf. I guess this place was pretty okay. I mean, a $4 shot of Jack is completely fucked, but the food & company were good. Came to find out that the guy who greeted me, brought me the food, and helped out in the kitchen was the owner, Bob. They do what they want in there. It's so not pretentious. So all in all: Good milk.

That 2%: the ketchup bottle popped when I opened it. I mean, when was the last time you had catsup that wasn't refilled from some other bottle?? Man. *sigh* It's the small things.

How long -- drink your milk

I just realized that this "little" project may take me a minimum of 6 months to complete if I'm diligent. :-/ There are at least 24 streets running east-west alone! 12 north-south. Hmmm... this could be my exercise in the warmer months. Maybe I should revise my strategy?

Or maybe I should stop being such a priss and fucking get moving! Here we go, CTA card! Gotta get to the bottom of the glass to see the prize. Hopefully there will always be some small morsel of yummy staring back at me. Oftentimes, there will just be an empty glass, but I gotta keep drinking to find out, right? Yes.

Also, no worries, folks. When the ball gets rolling, I will definitely post pics, etc.

Setting boundaries -- hating the tourist I will become

Where: Okay, so I figure I should have a radius so that my exploration is somewhat manageable. Basically, I said "my neighborhood" but I don't think that's specific enough. So here's my hypothesis -- I will explore in and around the area contained inside these coordinates: Western, Chicago, Ashland, and Van Buren. That's a decent amount of space.

What: Originally, I thought to only explore the eateries and night spots, but that's overdone. I will expand my horizon to explore and report on everything in that area including the prices of Jack Daniels in several different ABC Stores. ;)

When: I really only have nights and weekends with which to play sparingly (and da lawd knows I don't want to be running around in this cold weather!) so my opinions will rarely encompass, say, lunch on a Thursday.

How: I need a budget for this project. It would be different if this blog were about all the free shit you could get in these locations, but it's not. It's about quality above all else. (Does anyone really care about free stuff being good? I think the fact that it's free makes it inherently great!)

Who: Me. Maybe my gf or some other friends. But mostly me. I don't like a lot of people, so the ones I do have around are the cream of the crop and will give their honest (and sinfully snarky or eloquently educated) opinions. I have a sensitive palate, but I'll still try anything. I am a researcher, so I'll dig for things if what I get doesn't make a helluva lotta sense.

Why: Because it's an adventure! What's the point of living somewhere if you're not living? I go home, play DJ Hero, laugh with my love, sleep, wake up, go to work, come home and do it all again. That's actually okay with me, except for the time when I got a nail in my tire and didn't know where to go, or had a late-night sushi craving and no clue about local restaurants. I drive past things and say, "that looks cute. I should go there" but then never do. That's boring and the one thing I refuse to be in life is fucking boring. So I'll explore and get to know and cease to be a stay at home lump of working class denizen. It's time to find out what life is like in my little granule of world.

The point of this blog -- Oreos and Milk

Hello everyone (whoever that is since I'm not too sure if anyone will actually read this blog at least within the first 3 months of writing). I've started this blog to chronicle one of my New Year's resolutions that I hope won't be broken before the month ends. The goal is to be more social and raise my awareness of my surroundings. The problem is that I fucking hate people unless I'm drinking, but I need to slow down on my drinking. As you can probably tell, I'm slowly inching into the land of the curmudgeon, but before I do, I think it important to be conscious about my immediate environment. Sadly, I don't even know my neighbors and I've been living there for about 6 months! So, I've resolved to just TRY not to be that infamous "Happy Bunny" character I see when I look in the mirror. Here's the first step.

I live in a fairly interesting part of Chicago, the so-called "Near West Side," which is a palatable way of saying Wesside! but with some condos. (It's at least 60% African American ... and they're not the ones with condo ownership papers.) Anyway, I'm also near the Ukrainian Village, the United Center and Greek Town, essentially. Pretty cool stuff happening 'round those parts, I reckon ... But I don't really know. If someone came to visit and said, "Hey! What's there to do around here?" I'd probably say, "Shit if I know! Google something!" which would take us out of the neighborhood. So that's the wrong response. But, with the help of this mighty blog, I'm hoping the pressure to report my findings to you will inspire me to get out of the damn house and interact with civilization ... a little switch from the chastising I do from inside my vehicle now.

It's not that I'm a hermit or ugly or incredibly bitter in a "my heart is broken so I'm jaded and stay in the house with cookie dough" kinda way. I stay in because I love the comfort of my home (I'm a Taurus). It's warm, I'm a great cook who can also MacGuyver a potent drink, and it's safe in there! In my early 20s, I all but killed myself going out to the hot spots and knowing all of those key people ... but egad! I'm sooo over that now. No more stilettos, no more caffeine highs to get me through the work day, no more makeup to cover up my hangovers and lack of sleep ... no more being the first to hear that hot track, know that new dance, taste the latest drink ... It's definitely possible that I over did it last decade. Or is my calm called maturity? Idk. Perhaps it's more so that I became disillusioned with all the "glamor." I started to really see the people who hung out at these scenes, started to question the reason they chilled there ... started to realize that these people weren't interesting or going anywhere. For the most part, they were miserable and hiding.

So I took a few years off to play domestic kitty, but this wild cat can't be caged for long. Older, wiser, I know that 98% of what is considered "the scene" is complete and utter bullshit. And now that I know this, I can assess things of quality and substance. And who knows, maybe times have changed since I was "on the scene." Maybe people have stopped being aggressive, arrogant assholes. Maybe I'll catch a real DJ and enjoy music/dancing again. Maybe a band won't suck with insincerity and poser followers. Maybe a restaurant with the long wait will be worth it this time, not just compromising quality for a quick turn around? Maybe? Maybe?? Well, if by chance there IS that 2% of delight out there, I want at it!

So, I will go out. I will say YES to invitations. I will try to find that 2% of delight in this fucked world. As a friend aptly put it, I will "look for that last little bit of soaked up Oreo at the bottom of my 2% milk glass because that is where you find God." I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist. I just need a crumb. Thanks James. Let me know when you wanna hang out.